Hibernation

It has been a little over SIX years, since my first sweetpea was born.  Six. Since that time, we have been blessed with two more sweetpeas and our pod is officially complete :). My memories of these sweet years, are regrettably,  a blur. Six years ago, i made a comfortable, cozy nest and buried myself deep within it. Seasons passed. Years passed...and I am just beginning to stretch my arms and wander into the world that has been surrounding my cave. I have been aware of the world surrounding me. I have been to Target...i mean, that's a given. I run my daily errands, buy my groceries, function as a "normal" citizen. However, i have been in a state of "hibernation" in many ways. My friendships, my hobbies and interests; my own sense of self, have been put aside and buried. i have put on my comfy layers (literally. ugh.), cuddled up with my cubs, and "closed my eyes" in a sense.  Admittedly, i enjoyed my little nest being private; a place just for "us." However, having newborns with colic, who wouldn't take a bottle and nursed around the clock...I didn't have much choice. It took all three of my babies well over a year to sleep through the night (yes, i "sleep-trained." it doesn't work for everyone. different topic for a different day).  My time at home with my babies was precious...but, also overwhelming, stressful, lonely, and depressing. Depressing to the point that my body literally ached and i had to resort to medication to ease my pain. physically and emotionally.

It is not easy to awaken from such a deep "slumber." Every time i tried to open my eyes, the world was just too bright, and looked like a blur. Every stretch of my limbs resulted in aches and pains. Every attempt i have made to step out of the darkness, ended in an overwhelming sense of loneliness and failure. Staying at home with my precious babies has been such a source of joy...but, speaking honestly, it brought about many struggles in my heart. I felt abandoned, i felt alone. i felt like a failure.Yes, i have an amazing husband who supports me, gives me unconditional love and acceptance, and often gives me a "break" so that I can just "be." Even with that unwavering support, I have gone through phases of anger, depression, contentment, and joy. I have been the happiest i have ever been and I have also gone through valleys i hope to never again travel. 

It took years to understand one simple truth: You cannot lose yourself.  You cannot devalue your interests simply because you are a parent.  You cannot love your children so much that you forget to love yourself (And your partner), You cannot put everyone and everything above yourself....for when you do, you believe the lies. The lies that you are not good enough. The lies that you are "doing it all wrong." THE LIE THAT YOU ARE ALONE.  

Friends, I am starting to see more clearly. I am beginning to open my eyes to the world around me and embrace this new phase. I am finding new interests...and actually pursuing them. I am investing, once again, in friendships.  I am making peace with those whom i pushed aside during this dark time. Heck, i might even get a haircut. Ha!

Please know my heart. I am beyond grateful and appreciative for the opportunity to stay at home with my children. I do not take this blessing for granted one day. There are days i want to pull my hair out, but there are also days that I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet. My days of hibernation were not because i was not in love with my children, it was not because I wasn't grateful for the opportunity to live my life's dream. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, the unmet expectations, the constant need to "prove myself worthy."

Are you cozy in your nest, mama? Are you finding yourself in a state of hibernation? Watching the world pass you by, as you snuggle up and bury your head? Let me encourage you, dear one, to lift your head. open your eyes. Begin to wake up. send a message to an old friend who will understand. who knows your heart. who will be there. allow yourself to try and fail. allow yourself to be vulnerable. stretch those weary arms.  Allow yourself time to learn about yourself. Try a new hobby. invest in yourself.

I may never be the mom i want so desperately to be. I may never make "pinterest-worthy" crafts with my kids. I may never have a perfectly clean home, i will certainly never be caught-up with the laundry. However, there are some truths that have encouraged this weary soul. YOU ARE LOVED. Even if you wear yoga pants to pick-up everyday...your children love you. Even if you have "put on layers"...your children accept you. Even if you struggle to see the sun amidst the darkness...IT IS THERE.

One day at a time, sweet mommy.  Set your alarm and wake those tired eyes. There are many other mommies out there who relate to the struggles. be a voice for yourself. love yourself....but, do this one day at a time.