Hibernation

It has been a little over SIX years, since my first sweetpea was born.  Six. Since that time, we have been blessed with two more sweetpeas and our pod is officially complete :). My memories of these sweet years, are regrettably,  a blur. Six years ago, i made a comfortable, cozy nest and buried myself deep within it. Seasons passed. Years passed...and I am just beginning to stretch my arms and wander into the world that has been surrounding my cave. I have been aware of the world surrounding me. I have been to Target...i mean, that's a given. I run my daily errands, buy my groceries, function as a "normal" citizen. However, i have been in a state of "hibernation" in many ways. My friendships, my hobbies and interests; my own sense of self, have been put aside and buried. i have put on my comfy layers (literally. ugh.), cuddled up with my cubs, and "closed my eyes" in a sense.  Admittedly, i enjoyed my little nest being private; a place just for "us." However, having newborns with colic, who wouldn't take a bottle and nursed around the clock...I didn't have much choice. It took all three of my babies well over a year to sleep through the night (yes, i "sleep-trained." it doesn't work for everyone. different topic for a different day).  My time at home with my babies was precious...but, also overwhelming, stressful, lonely, and depressing. Depressing to the point that my body literally ached and i had to resort to medication to ease my pain. physically and emotionally.

It is not easy to awaken from such a deep "slumber." Every time i tried to open my eyes, the world was just too bright, and looked like a blur. Every stretch of my limbs resulted in aches and pains. Every attempt i have made to step out of the darkness, ended in an overwhelming sense of loneliness and failure. Staying at home with my precious babies has been such a source of joy...but, speaking honestly, it brought about many struggles in my heart. I felt abandoned, i felt alone. i felt like a failure.Yes, i have an amazing husband who supports me, gives me unconditional love and acceptance, and often gives me a "break" so that I can just "be." Even with that unwavering support, I have gone through phases of anger, depression, contentment, and joy. I have been the happiest i have ever been and I have also gone through valleys i hope to never again travel. 

It took years to understand one simple truth: You cannot lose yourself.  You cannot devalue your interests simply because you are a parent.  You cannot love your children so much that you forget to love yourself (And your partner), You cannot put everyone and everything above yourself....for when you do, you believe the lies. The lies that you are not good enough. The lies that you are "doing it all wrong." THE LIE THAT YOU ARE ALONE.  

Friends, I am starting to see more clearly. I am beginning to open my eyes to the world around me and embrace this new phase. I am finding new interests...and actually pursuing them. I am investing, once again, in friendships.  I am making peace with those whom i pushed aside during this dark time. Heck, i might even get a haircut. Ha!

Please know my heart. I am beyond grateful and appreciative for the opportunity to stay at home with my children. I do not take this blessing for granted one day. There are days i want to pull my hair out, but there are also days that I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet. My days of hibernation were not because i was not in love with my children, it was not because I wasn't grateful for the opportunity to live my life's dream. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, the unmet expectations, the constant need to "prove myself worthy."

Are you cozy in your nest, mama? Are you finding yourself in a state of hibernation? Watching the world pass you by, as you snuggle up and bury your head? Let me encourage you, dear one, to lift your head. open your eyes. Begin to wake up. send a message to an old friend who will understand. who knows your heart. who will be there. allow yourself to try and fail. allow yourself to be vulnerable. stretch those weary arms.  Allow yourself time to learn about yourself. Try a new hobby. invest in yourself.

I may never be the mom i want so desperately to be. I may never make "pinterest-worthy" crafts with my kids. I may never have a perfectly clean home, i will certainly never be caught-up with the laundry. However, there are some truths that have encouraged this weary soul. YOU ARE LOVED. Even if you wear yoga pants to pick-up everyday...your children love you. Even if you have "put on layers"...your children accept you. Even if you struggle to see the sun amidst the darkness...IT IS THERE.

One day at a time, sweet mommy.  Set your alarm and wake those tired eyes. There are many other mommies out there who relate to the struggles. be a voice for yourself. love yourself....but, do this one day at a time. 

Are you there, Jim Bob?

It all started when I became pregnant with Anna.  I started reading blogs written by other moms.  I was given an insight into what lied ahead for me.  I was intrigued, encouraged and excited to start my own journey.  I saw pretty monogrammed dresses with matching hairbows, perfectly planned playdates and put together mamas with the best hair, cute outfits and a beautifully decorated (and spotless) home.  I could do this.  this should be easy.

ahem.

As wonderful as the Internet, and blogs specifically, can be...it truly became a stumbling block in my contentment as a mother.  They made it look so easy...Why was I struggling?  Why didn't these moms have spit up all over their clothes...and wait a minute?!  Clothes??!!  They got dressed. every day? with a baby?!  there were certainly days i counted it all joy when i actually brushed my teeth and put on yoga pants.  How did they find time to cook such elaborate meals?  How many times in a day did these ladies vaccum those spotless floors...and where in the world is all that big, bulky baby gear that was now overtaking not only my living room...but my entire house?!  I just didn't feel like I was doing it right.  I was certainly not adding up, and perhaps I just wasn't made for this like I always dreamed I was.  After all, i am sure michelle wouldn't call Jim Bob to pick up Chick-Fil-A because she forgot to start dinner!

Enter self-doubt, jealousy, and lonlieness...oh, the lonlieness.

It happened again this week.  Dinner was a big fail, the girls were not listening and things were just not working out the way i had envisioned.  (mind you, its only Tuesday).  I have a closet full of (yet to be played) games, a cabinet full of (yet to be made) crafts, and pages of (yet to be tried) recipes.  I just felt like I was failing at this Motherhood/homemaker thing.  I search Pinterest and see these beautiful home projects, creative kid activities and yummy dinners.  and i just feel like a failure.  You see, I let my personal idealogies and expectations of motherhood damage my outlook.  I allowed someone else's talent to discourage my attempts.  I allowed my own insecurites to win. again.

This is not easy to "put out there" for all to see.  I struggle, almost daily, with my insecurities as a mom. But what we all must realize is that we cannot master everything.  Some of us may excel at keeping a nice home, while others of us excel at planning the coolest kids parties.  Some of us excel at sitting on the floor playing Barbies with our kids, and others of us excel at planning their next spelling lesson.  The point is, we cannot have it all...and when we try to have it all, we lose sight of the talents and skills we do have.  We focus on what we do not have and let our accomplishments be diminished by the shadow of our self-inflicted "failure."

Next time you read a blog and think a mom has it all together, ask her about her laundry pile.  Her to-do list. Her paperwork stash.  Chances are, she doesn't have it all.  We are all struggling with something and we are all in this together.  Do not compare yourself with the mom standing next to you, instead reach out a hand and ask her what you can do to help.  When you doubt who you are, you are not allowing your child to have the best of you.  Let them know it is okay to not be perfect....let yourself know it is okay to not be perfect.


So, next time you are on Pinterest and pin your next new dinner recipe, your weekly craft and household project...be easy on yourself.  take parenthood one day at a time...or one tantrum at a time, or one dirty diaper at a time....  take a deep breath, look in the mirror and know you are good enough. You can do this....even if Jim Bob got the nuggets.

the expectations that stole Christmas

okay, I'll admit it....I am a horrible blogger. No excuses, that's just how it is...forgive me? You see, there is this thing on the Internet called "Pinterest." If you have not visited my newest addiction, i dare you not to...for if you do, i promise...you will be in need of a 12 step program. quickly. And then there's Facebook...I digress...

I will dedicate this post to how we spent our Christmas. My next post will be regarding the expectations we as mothers put upon ourselves...so, i thought i would begin by telling you a story of my crushed expectations...AKA: Christmas 2011.

I had it planned out so wonderfully in my mind. The girls would race down the stairs ready to see what Santa had left for them. Eli would nap peacefully in my arms. We would have a beautiful Christmas dinner on a beautifully set table. Gingerbread houses, Christmas cookies, Peace, Joy...you know, the works.

Cut to real life.

Lily wakes up first. i walk quietly into her room to wish her a Merry Christmas....she told me to go away. (oh boy). We spoke for a few minutes and i proceeded to get her ready to come downstairs. By the time we reached the fourth stair (literally), she was crying and refusing to walk another step. (dan, you can put the video camera away now). I carry her down the stairs trying to remain my "Merry" self, all the while praying for a Christmas miracle in the next 30 steps it would take me to get to the Christmas tree. Yup, she wanted NOTHING to do with the presents. Nothing, nada....could care less. Not only did she not care about the presents, she refused to open a single one. She buried her head on my chest and stayed that way the entire Christmas morning. By the time breakfast was ready, her fever was high and by dinner she was vomiting. not what i expected on Christmas.

Anna came down shortly after Lily, and I will admit, she showed the excitement i "expected." She ran down quickly asking to see if Santa came. She ripped through her presents like it was her job. Barbies, fairies, princesses...it was a big pile of pink by the time she finished in 3.2 seconds. She was happy....but I was not.

Eli had been sick for a few days prior to Christmas. He was diagnosed with bronchiolitis, given a breathing treatment and sent home. By the time Christmas morning rolled around, he was even more sick. He was laboring to breathe and was obviously struggling. We made the decision to take him to the ER that evening and he was RSV positive. Packing up a baby for a trip to the ER and cleaning up vomit throughout the night was not how i envisioned Christmas...so much for Sugar plums.

I promise you there is a point to this post, and it is not simply to be negative. I share this with you because my attitude...my failed expectations, were a distraction to the real reason we celebrate Christmas in the first place. It is not about the perfect decorations, the wrapped presents under the tree, the matching pajamas and the yummy feast. Our Savior, the One who loves me unconditionally and gave HIS life so that I could live....was born. Christmas is the day we celebrate His birth. I allowed my poor attitude to blind my eyes, and my heart, to the meaning of Christmas. The expectations I had as a mother were crushed, and so was I. I wanted things to be perfect for the kids, I wanted traditions to be formed, I wanted happy memories. (note the words: I wanted.)  So selfish. The Lord used Christmas day to open my eyes to what many of us as mothers suffer from....and it is all self-induced. We allow our expectations of how things "should be", "need to be", are "supposed to be," to darken the moments that "are." We do not live in the present and soak in every moment because we are so worried about planning the next "memory."

While my memories of Christmas 2011 may not be what I expected, they remain happy. Why? Because my children are healthy enough to live with me at home, and not in a hospital bed. Because we are blessed and fortunate enough to have presents under the tree.  Because we are blessed as a family, to have each other...to have a warm bed to sleep in when we are ill, to have doctors to care for us while we are suffering, to have a safe home available to us to gather together freely. While things certainly didn't go "my way," I am happy.  It took some time, i admit...but, i am happy.

It is my prayer that through this blog you will find comfort that we are all in this together.  There will be times of trial, joy, growth and discouragement as we strive to parent the best we can...one thing is for sure...nothing is perfect.  Life will fail us; we will fail ourselves..it's what we do with those failures that will shape who we, and our children, become. Take one day at a time...one moment at a time and strive to live in the present...and remind me to do the same :).

Oh, and Happy 2012!

I'll admit it...

I have 3... 4 loads of laundry waiting to be put away.

This is not my first blog....or my second.

My floors need to be mopped.

My carpets should be vaccumed.

My patience wears thin much faster than it should.

I needed to lose my "baby weight" long before I was pregnant.

I haven't had my hair done in a year...and i have the roots to prove it.

My oldest has a baby book partially complete.  My middle has a baby book - blank.  My youngest...well, we still don't have a baby book for him.

On the other hand...

My husband is my partner for life; whether he likes it or not ;)

My children are loved and cherished.

I serve a God who loves unconditionally, without fail.

I love my little family and strive everyday to give them my best.  As you can clearly see, some days....well, most days, I  fall short.  Let's face it, there are days I feel accomplished if I take a shower and wear something other than yoga pants....yes, my husband is a lucky man.  The purpose of this blog is for me to preserve memories (remember the baby book issue?); share stories, hopefully encourage and always be real.  The clothes may need to be put away...but hey, at least they are clean.  Right?!

I would love for you to join me in this crazy adventure of domestic bliss....one laundry basket at a time.