the expectations that stole Christmas

okay, I'll admit it....I am a horrible blogger. No excuses, that's just how it is...forgive me? You see, there is this thing on the Internet called "Pinterest." If you have not visited my newest addiction, i dare you not to...for if you do, i promise...you will be in need of a 12 step program. quickly. And then there's Facebook...I digress...

I will dedicate this post to how we spent our Christmas. My next post will be regarding the expectations we as mothers put upon ourselves...so, i thought i would begin by telling you a story of my crushed expectations...AKA: Christmas 2011.

I had it planned out so wonderfully in my mind. The girls would race down the stairs ready to see what Santa had left for them. Eli would nap peacefully in my arms. We would have a beautiful Christmas dinner on a beautifully set table. Gingerbread houses, Christmas cookies, Peace, Joy...you know, the works.

Cut to real life.

Lily wakes up first. i walk quietly into her room to wish her a Merry Christmas....she told me to go away. (oh boy). We spoke for a few minutes and i proceeded to get her ready to come downstairs. By the time we reached the fourth stair (literally), she was crying and refusing to walk another step. (dan, you can put the video camera away now). I carry her down the stairs trying to remain my "Merry" self, all the while praying for a Christmas miracle in the next 30 steps it would take me to get to the Christmas tree. Yup, she wanted NOTHING to do with the presents. Nothing, nada....could care less. Not only did she not care about the presents, she refused to open a single one. She buried her head on my chest and stayed that way the entire Christmas morning. By the time breakfast was ready, her fever was high and by dinner she was vomiting. not what i expected on Christmas.

Anna came down shortly after Lily, and I will admit, she showed the excitement i "expected." She ran down quickly asking to see if Santa came. She ripped through her presents like it was her job. Barbies, fairies, princesses...it was a big pile of pink by the time she finished in 3.2 seconds. She was happy....but I was not.

Eli had been sick for a few days prior to Christmas. He was diagnosed with bronchiolitis, given a breathing treatment and sent home. By the time Christmas morning rolled around, he was even more sick. He was laboring to breathe and was obviously struggling. We made the decision to take him to the ER that evening and he was RSV positive. Packing up a baby for a trip to the ER and cleaning up vomit throughout the night was not how i envisioned Christmas...so much for Sugar plums.

I promise you there is a point to this post, and it is not simply to be negative. I share this with you because my attitude...my failed expectations, were a distraction to the real reason we celebrate Christmas in the first place. It is not about the perfect decorations, the wrapped presents under the tree, the matching pajamas and the yummy feast. Our Savior, the One who loves me unconditionally and gave HIS life so that I could live....was born. Christmas is the day we celebrate His birth. I allowed my poor attitude to blind my eyes, and my heart, to the meaning of Christmas. The expectations I had as a mother were crushed, and so was I. I wanted things to be perfect for the kids, I wanted traditions to be formed, I wanted happy memories. (note the words: I wanted.)  So selfish. The Lord used Christmas day to open my eyes to what many of us as mothers suffer from....and it is all self-induced. We allow our expectations of how things "should be", "need to be", are "supposed to be," to darken the moments that "are." We do not live in the present and soak in every moment because we are so worried about planning the next "memory."

While my memories of Christmas 2011 may not be what I expected, they remain happy. Why? Because my children are healthy enough to live with me at home, and not in a hospital bed. Because we are blessed and fortunate enough to have presents under the tree.  Because we are blessed as a family, to have each other...to have a warm bed to sleep in when we are ill, to have doctors to care for us while we are suffering, to have a safe home available to us to gather together freely. While things certainly didn't go "my way," I am happy.  It took some time, i admit...but, i am happy.

It is my prayer that through this blog you will find comfort that we are all in this together.  There will be times of trial, joy, growth and discouragement as we strive to parent the best we can...one thing is for sure...nothing is perfect.  Life will fail us; we will fail ourselves..it's what we do with those failures that will shape who we, and our children, become. Take one day at a time...one moment at a time and strive to live in the present...and remind me to do the same :).

Oh, and Happy 2012!